Shalom Auslander / Features / Untitled Books

"I wonder what's wrong with me that Ulysses puts me to sleep."

Shalom Auslander

Shalom Auslander is the author of the short story collection Beware of God, and his memoir Foreskin's Lament.

Where are you right now?

In hell. It looks like an office - desk, chair, laptop - but trust me, at the moment it's hell.

Where do you write?

A small soapbox inside a tall ivory tower.

How do you write?

Something makes me laugh and I pursue it.

What keeps you writing?

I'm a massive prick if I don't. That wouldn't be a problem for me, but I have a wife and son who might object to such sustained, unrelenting prickness.

Who do you write for?

Myself, mostly. But also some dead people I admire. I imagine dying and going to some afterlife and meeting one or two of them, and hoping they say, "Oh, hey, yeah - that was good. I liked that." It's pathetic. I blame my mother.

Do you discuss your work with anyone?

My wife. Relentlessly. She'd be wise to shoot me.

How do you know if your work is good?

There is a moment where I write something, even one sentence, and I say to myself, "They're never going to publish this - no fucking way." That's when.

Do you have any unwritten characters in mind?

No. I love that idea of writers as people whose minds are filled with all these wonderful characters waiting for their chance to be born unto a page. I suspect it's a complete crock.

Which book do you wish you'd written?

The Bible. I'd have made some serious cuts.

What is your literary guilty pleasure?

I don't have one. I have literary guilt, though: I don't like the books everyone says I'm supposed to like. I wonder what's wrong with me that Ulysses puts me to sleep. But then I think that Joyce was just being a pain in the ass, and it seems he liked being a pain in the ass, so why shouldn't I read him and think, "Christ, what a pain in the ass?"

Which writer made you want to write?

I'm not sure I want to. I need to. I'm happier when I do. But I'd be happier if I didn't need to. Also, I like to read, but I can never find the book I want to read, so I have to write it myself.

Who's the most exciting author writing today?

William A. Tennyford.

If you weren't writing you'd be...?

Masturbating.

What next?

See above.

Monday, 8 December, 2008