Moni Mohsin / Features / Untitled Books

Mohsin Moni Preferred Photo c Shahid Zaidi.JPG

"Went to Harrods to do a little bit of shopping. Between you, me and the four walls, walking into Harrods (or even Selfridges or Harvey Nickles) these days is like landing at Delhi airport. So many Indians, so many Indians that don't even ask."

Photograph: © Shahid Zaid

Moni Mohsin

Telling it like it is, from London to Lahore, the heroine of Moni Mohsin's latest novel, Tender Hooks, gives us an exclusive insight into her glamorous existence.

Monday

Nowdays I'm in London. Haw, didn't you know I've been here a whole month now? Honestly, where've you been? So, I got in from Lahore a week after the Harrods sale had started. Thanks God it's all cool and cloudy here. Totally like a hill station. But with shops. And restaurants. And cinemas. And all of the well-offs of Lahore Karachi and Islamabad visiting. So I feel right at home.

In Lahore, tau, it was 48 degrees. I swear my brain was melting. And then on top we had four, four, five, five hours of load shedding every day. That's when the guvmunt doesn't give us electricity because it's trying to save it. But between you, me and the four walls, I don't think so there's any electricity to save. Anyways, it's so nice to be in London. You can just switch on a light and it comes. Don't have to do any of those bore things beforehand like rush around finding diesel for your generator and forking out ten thou every time and then bringing it home and asking servants to fill generator and then asking the servants to switch on generator and then worrying how much it is costing you every minute. I said to Janoo (he's my bore, kill joy husband) "Isn't it nice to have 24 hour electricity and that also free?"

"What do you mean, 'free'?" he snapped. "I'm paying two thousand a week for this flat. I wouldn't call that 'free'." I told you, na, that he was kill joy.

Tuesday

Went to Harrods to do a little bit of shopping. Between you, me and the four walls, walking into Harrods (or even Selfridges or Harvey Nickles) these days is like landing at Delhi airport. So many Indians, so many Indians that don't even ask. All pushing and shoving and shopping madly. I was about to reach for this chocolate brown Prada bag when an Indian girl in tight jeans and nose ring with a diamond in it as big as India Shining slapped it up. She held it up to her pot bellied, bald husband and said, 'So cute, no? I'll take it.' Show offer. So in revenge I bought a purple one just like it. (It was the only colour they had left in that same to same design). So I bought it right in front of her. But inside I wasn't feeling too happy. Because I already have a purple bag at home and honestly, how many purple bags can you have? But right then it was a question of national pride, na.

Wednesday

Everyone says London is in the middle of an economic slum. And that nobody has any money to spend and that everyone is really suffering. I don't know which London they are talking about because you go to Zooma and it's full. You go to Hakasan and it's full. You go to Noboo and it's full. You go to any of the fashiony, sophisty department stores and they're full. You can't even walk on Oxford Street it's so full. I said to Janoo that I think so English people, they just like moaning and complaining and actually they're all doing fine. But Janoo said that a lot of money that's spent in London, actually foreigners are spending it. That must hurt the English people, I said to Janoo. He said it would hurt them even more if they didn't. So to help English people, I went and bought six Mac lipsticks, one La Prarry Cream, one Lancomb mascara and three perfumes: one of Dior, one of Armani and one of Tom Ford. I did all this only to help English people. Because I'm like that only.

Thursday

Went to see Harry Potter and the Deadly Hellos with my baby son, Kulchoo. He's fourteen and a half and a little bit embarrassed at seeing what he says is a kiddies' film but because all this Harry Potter drama started when he really was a baby, he says he might as well see it through now. So, anyways, we went. There was such a big cue, such a big cue at the cinema that don't even ask. Honestly, this JK Prowling, she must be raking it in. I hope so she is also doing her bit for the English people like I did yesterday.

Friday

What I love most about London is that you can do as much street walking as you like here. You know just roaming around doing window shopping (and a little bit of shopping also) and buying latest Vogue from newsagent and then stopping at a coffee shop and drinking a cold coffee while flickering through the Vogue, and also doing some people watching and then buying some flowers from a road side stall and the slowly strolling home. Hai, so fun. In Lahore tau of course walking on the streets is a total no-no. First tau, there are hardly any side walks, so chances are high that you'll get knocked up by a passing motorbike. Secondly, it's so hot, you melt in minutes. Thirdly, there's so much of crime, you get robbed or even worst, kidnapped in seconds. Fourthly, there's so much of dust and smog you can't breathe. Fifthly, men do so much of eve teasing, you know, whistling and touching and pinching and passing personal-type comments that you wish you'd never stepped out. Fifthly, if anyone who you know sees you walking they immediately resume either your car's broken down and they stop and offer you a lift or even worst, they think your husband has lost all his money in a scam and you are now so poor that you can't even afford a car and so they can't know you anymore so they don't bother to offer you a lift.

Saturday

Bore Janoo's been getting on my nerves. Every day he suggests we go to this bore museum or that bore museum to look at yet more dead people's things. Honestly, so morpid. Me, I tau like alive places. Like Westfield, for instant. So busy, so bustly, so big. Yesterday when I was going there for the third time in three days, Janoo said, "How about doing something cultural for a change?"

"I am doing something cultural," I said. "Westfield is the nub of culture. It's such a cultural place I can't even tell you. All the world under one roof: Prada from Italy, Dior from France, Zara from Spain, Apple from America, cleaners from Africa, shoppers from India and China. How much more culture do you want?"

Sunday

I've got blisters. Yes blisters, on my right foot. Imagine! I think so it must be from all the walking-shalking I've been doing. I hate London. Honestly, I'm sick to deaf of walking. So bore. And taxis are so bloody expensive. Every time I get into a cab and I look at the meter I think I could have bought another couple of Mac lipsticks from that fair. Hai, can't wait to get back to Lahore to my own driver and air conditioned car that drops you just wherever you want to be. Honestly, east or west, home is best.

As told to Moni Mohsin.
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Tender Hooks by Moni Mohsin is published by Chatto & Windus.

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Thursday, 4 August, 2011